Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Lori: On Christmas.

Where are the Grinches who yell every year about taking the Christ out of Christmas? "Blah blah blah it's too commercial blah blah blah Jesus is the reason for the season, blah blah blah Santa is Satan!" Where are they? Maybe I'm just not listening to enough talk radio but it seems to me like there used to be a lot more noise from the Crazy Christians about keeping Christmas Christian. Did they all get Wal-Marts and Best Buys for Christmas last year?

They must have, cause since we're all poor, they're pretty quiet.

Sure--the Christian Christmas Crusaders could be spouting their bullshit again this year if they wanted to. The silence can't be because they feel like it's different this year, like it has suddenly become less commercial and more Jesus-y. I'm also pretty sure that it's not because they've finally come to terms with Christmas being inclusive and welcome to everyone, regardless of religion. I'm pretty sure the "Culture Warrior" types hate my participation in my favorite holiday this year as much as they always have. Why do they hate my participation? I'm such a dick I put up a Christmas tree RIGHT NEXT TO my menorah. My favorite Christmas music CD is “A Very Twisted Christmas” by everybody's favorite Christian band, Twisted Sister (you know some of those turds in the PMRC hate my Christmas tree). But they're quieter about it this year, and I think it's because they've realized something.

America needs Christmas. This is true every year, but this is the first year (so far) in a long time that businesses are depending on the days between Black Friday and Christmas (probably Jan 7, actually) just to keep their doors open. Even if we assume that these anti-Christmas fools would be OK with only the true believers buying iPods and PS3s for each other, there just aren't enough of them to save the day. These stores are relying on people like you and me and the rest of the country to buy things we don't need in the spirit of giving. Buying your kid a Bop-It! because a savior was born 2000 years ago doesn't make any sense. Buying your mom a Kindle because the point of Christmas is to give our loved ones gifts makes sense. We don't do it because of Jesus. We do it because it's what we've been doing, and because it's nice.

ANYWAY, if the wackos are successful in making the rest of us feel guilty for running our asses all over town looking for the latest incarnation of Tickle Me Elmo or whatever the hip thing is this year (please see aside below), we might stop. We're already poor, we already can't afford the Cabbage Patch Kids we're putting on the MasterCard. If you tell us that not only can we not afford it, but we shouldn't do it because it hurts God's feelings, nobody wins. We'll spend our money on something else, and Target's and what not all over the country start closing down, taking along with them millions of jobs. Cats and dogs, living together--mass hysteria! The Noel Nay-sayers may not own these stores, but you can bet your ass they depend on their survival as much as the rest of us do. And if we don't all buy our shit, we're all fucked. And they know it.

Merry Fucking Christmas.



When I was four, I wanted a Dozzy Doll. It was like Teddy Ruxpin but it was a boy, and his stories weren't all about him. It was WHAT I WANTED FOR CHRISTMAS. And it was one of those highly sought items that was always out of stock. On Christmas Eve, my dad went all over Fairfax to find me a Dozzy. Why did he wait until Christmas Eve? Because it was only then that he discovered that I wanted the Dozzy Boy, not the Dozzy Bear. He went all the fuck over the place looking for that god damn doll, and he found me one. And I loved it. It's probably still in my Mom's basement somewhere. He didn't tell me what a pain it was to get Dozzy until many years later, and I can't put into words the gratitude I still feel.

Check out Dozzy Doll here.


  1. Such an angry little jewess.

    No, actually, I was just thinking last night while watching "Teen Mom" that I've noticed a marked drop off in Christmas commercials this year. Isn't the Coke Santa/polar bears a big deal? Aren't they around every christmas? And I haven't seen those car and jewelery commercials that my mom hates so much--the ones where the man buys a car for his wife, or buys her diamonds because she is too stupid to want anything else, and he is too idiotic to think of anything else besides jewelery. (AS MY ASIDE... I like how those Clorox commericals no longer have the tagline of "Mama's got the power of clorox" but instead says "your mother, your grandmother, maybe even a man or two all depend on clorox to get their whites their whitest white" (racists)) And I wonder if it is more about the economy. Every commerical is about saving, I haven't really seen much about "the season"--except maybe those bread commercials where the kid is home from college and it is this great family scene. (Then again, maybe the target demographic who watches "Roseanne" at 6:30am isn't their biggest target audience for these commercials. But I don't see them during "Jersey Shore" either.

    Christmas seems like less of a big deal this year. I think it is the economy. And by your logic, the god-squad knows it. Or maybe they are too poor to really spend their time whining about it because they are trying to earn a living and stay afloat. Complaining loudly is bourgeois. ;)

  2. Oh, and as a Teddy Ruxpin fan, he was much cooler, and his mouth was less freaky than Dozzy.

    Don't you love those ridic 80s commericals? I like that the kids flat out said it was for Christmas, like their parents didn't love them if they didn't get the doll.