Thursday, December 10, 2009

Random Thoughts with Abe (12.10.2009)

Alright, it's time for some good old random thoughts, with Abe! 

Earlier this week, the Bob and Abe Show discussed the whole Tiger Woods fiasco. I was out of town, so I wasn't able to comment on it. Here is my take. I'm really surprised that the insurance industry has not come up with 'divorce insurance' policy (don't they have insurance policies for body parts?). Think about it. Tiger Woods is worth, what, $1 billion? And he's likely to make a few more billion in the next decade. A person with that sum of wealth should protect himself against any liability. And you'd be hard pressed to find any liability as great as divorce, especially for someone of Tiger Woods' stature. Now I don't want to jump to conclusions, but it wouldn't be a stretch to think that Tiger Woods' wife would leave him. She has every right to leave him. But if she did, half his money would be gone. He'd stand to lose $500 million. That's $50 million per girl (so far). That's - and I don't mean to be graphic - about $72,524.50 per stroke*! That's, a lot. And yet, Tiger Woods and his financial advisers have no defense for it. 

Speaking of cheating, they really should come up with another term for infidelity, because “cheating” just sounds petty. I always get a kick hearing grown adults accusing one another of “cheating”. Also, if you're in a relationship with someone and sex is not a part of it and you have sex with someone else, is that cheating? And if so, what are you cheating on? To me, cheating is going outside of the relationship to seek goods and services that are already offered by your partner. So, if you are not fucking, what's it to you that your partner is? It’s like with an iphone. If they offered video and mms and backgrounding and all these other features, nobody would jailbreak their phone. But since they don’t, people do 'cheat' by jailbreaking (like yours truly). Same thing with a relationship. If your partner offered sex, and that was a normal part of the relationship, then going outside of that would be an act of infidelity. Otherwise, I don’t see the conflict (note: I am aware that this sounds like i'm blaming the person who gets cheated on. I just want to make you aware that I am aware that you aware what this sounds like).

Why are athletes who use performance enhancing drugs being punished? They’re trying to enhance their performance. They’re trying to put on a better show for the fans. What’s the harm in that? Sure, they put themselves at greater health risks, but that’s a “them” problem. The reaction to the steroid and HGH abuse by baseball players is silly. This whole “It’s not fair that one player is juicing while another is not” is not valid, in my opinion. Some people are naturally stronger or faster or smarter than others. Are we okay with that disadvantage? Some athletes have different training regiments that positively affect the way they play while others do not. Are we okay with that disadvantage? Just because it’s “god-given” ability, it doesn’t make it any less unfair. Just because god jewed me out of a great 40 yard dash speed, doesn’t mean I should leave it at that and move. No, performance enhancing drugs are the great equalizer. They correct what is inherently unfair. I say, if they want to juice, let them juice, statistical records be damned. 

A few months ago I went to go see the latest Harry Potter film. The movie itself was ok, but it probably would've been better had I seen the last three installments. I saw the first two movies, and then the sixth. So, obviously there was a gap in storyline for me. Would it be too much to ask that they attach a “previously on” clip at the beginning of any sequel? I guess I could watch all the movies before watching the 6th, but come on, who has time for that? My suggestion wouldn't take long, just 2 minutes, 3 tops. Just like they do with tv shows, such as “24”. It brings everyone watching up to speed and it makes for a more pleasurable viewing. Or they could show a 10th preview of some movie I’ll never see.

Do you think people who type “lol” or “haha” on their status updates or emails are actually laughing? I don’t think so. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been around a person who included that in their message but instead of laughing, they had that “I’m bored” look on their face. People always fake laugh in person. Is this the online version of that? Speaking of which, can we go easy with the exclamation points!!!!! My god, every other sentence you read nowadays ends with an exclamation. It would be very funny if this was a running joke in tribute to that Seinfeld episode where Elaine went crazy with the exclamation point. But somehow I doubt that’s the case here. All I’m saying is, calm down with the exclamations. It’s very annoying!

On a related thought, I always thought it’d be funny if there was a commercial where they showed two people exchanging texts. One person is describing a festive and fun environment, and the other is sitting at home filled with jealousy, enough to where he alters his plan just so he can attend. But what the jealous friend doesn’t know –but will soon find out – is that his buddy is committing the cardinal sin, “textaggeration”. That’s when there’s a huge discrepancy between what is actually happening and how the person attending describes it as. This may be hard for you to imagine in writing, but I think if this concept was more developed, I think you’d have a solid 30-second spot.

Speaking of which, do you ever lie just out of pure lazyness? Like, someone asks you a question, and instead of answering truthfully, you choose the answer with the least chance of generating a follow-up question? For instance, if someone asks, “so, what did you do last night?” I will usually just say “oh, nothing”, because saying “I went to play poker at some random bar” will automatically generate a follow-up, such as “oh, really? Which one? Who did you go with? Did you win anything? Have you been there before? Is there a buy-in?” Most of the time, I have no problem going with the honest route and fielding follow-up questions, but some days, I just say “oh, nothing” and move on. I can’t imagine I’m alone in that.

And that my friends, is all.


*Stroke average based on the commonly accepted stroke-per-sex-session average of american atheletes (49.5). 


  1. "I'm really surprised that the insurance industry has not come up with 'divorce insurance' policy (don't they have insurance policies for body parts?). Think about it."

    We have thought about it. You'll see it on the market next year.

  2. A few thoughts from your co-host...

    1. "Divorce Insurance" -- How is this better than a prenuptial agreement? Also, perhaps "John" can clear this up for me, but how in the world do you make the premiums affordable for such a thing? Half of all marriages end in divorce, no? Do you get some sort of discount for being Mormon? Or Muslim, where you're more likely to honor-kill your spouse than divorce her?

    2. "Cheating" -- It sounds petty because it is petty. Also, if you're in a relationship and sex is not a part of it and it's a serious enough type of thing to be considered "cheating" when you fuck somebody else, it's incredibly likely that you're a highly religious type of person, and cheating is the least of your problems. Secular types in relationships long enough to be serious enough to make fucking someone else "cheating" have sex with one another. Also, you're not cheating when you jailbreak your phone, you're breaking a legal contract and are subject to the full force and fury of AT&T's legal department. Good luck.

    3. "Performance Enhancement" -- What the fuck, dude? Is is 2006 again, suddenly? I would argue with you here, but that's what you're looking for. You're plainly and simply wrong about this issue, and a racist. I will simply say that if we're interested in correcting that which is "naturally unfair," why have contests of sport at all? We'd be better off setting a maximum performance baseline and not allowing anyone who exceeds it to participate--they can just go at it until one gives up or they both fall over from exhaustion. Exceptionalism is something I value, but maybe that's just my bias as someone naturally smarter than most of the rest of the population shining through.

    4. "Potter" -- Few things are more obnoxious to me than "Previously, on ______" segments. Why the fuck did I watch the entire movie, show, whatever, if the whole thing can be summed up with 30 seconds of jump-cuts and broken dialogue? Have a little more respect for your shit than that. And Abe, if you're so interested in what happened in the intervening years at Hogwarts (fag), surely you'd have wikipedia'd it, or something. I'll give you a hint: Teenage drama, Expecto Patronum, little bit of Quidditch, more teenage drama, Stupefy!, Voldemort.

    5. "Lol-ing." -- This is something I've had a problem with for years, and I think people are catching on. I've even noticed that some people are now saying, instead of "lol," something to the effect of "I literally just laughed out loud" when they really did just laugh out loud. Nobody believes it when somebody Lol's at them. Exclamation points are indeed out of hand, as well.

    You'd think we'd run out of shit to argue about eventually, right? Let's hope not.